ChevelleForum.net

Go Back   Chevrolet Chevelle Forums > The Backyard meeting spot > Off Topic

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #141  
Old 03-25-2014, 10:21 PM
Ken Hayes's Avatar
Ken Hayes Ken Hayes is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dearborn Heights. MI
Posts: 974
Default

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.


Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN
__________________
Today, is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..enjoy it !!!
Reply With Quote
  #142  
Old 03-26-2014, 08:41 AM
flash flash is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canton Georgia
Posts: 8,349
Default

Ouch ,didnt see that one coming .
__________________

John
Reply With Quote
  #143  
Old 04-11-2014, 08:18 AM
Ken Hayes's Avatar
Ken Hayes Ken Hayes is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dearborn Heights. MI
Posts: 974
Default

A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Doug came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Doug."
__________________
Today, is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..enjoy it !!!

Last edited by Ken Hayes; 04-11-2014 at 08:21 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #144  
Old 04-11-2014, 08:38 AM
flash flash is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canton Georgia
Posts: 8,349
Default

Im going to share that .
__________________

John
Reply With Quote
  #145  
Old 04-11-2014, 06:40 PM
Ms Grumpy's Avatar
Ms Grumpy Ms Grumpy is offline
Bowtie Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Just outside San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 7,403
Default

Ken those last two were great. The hospital one caught David off guard and he let out a loud "Ouch". lol
__________________
Get in, sit down, shut up, hold on...cause Ms Grumpy is driving !

For the audio geek try: www.audiokarma.org

Reply With Quote
  #146  
Old 04-15-2014, 10:23 AM
Ken Hayes's Avatar
Ken Hayes Ken Hayes is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dearborn Heights. MI
Posts: 974
Default

If ya'll need a laugh.....this will do it............if it don't....your dead !!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0
__________________
Today, is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..enjoy it !!!
Reply With Quote
  #147  
Old 04-15-2014, 11:16 AM
flash flash is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canton Georgia
Posts: 8,349
Default

Thanks I needed that .....................
__________________

John
Reply With Quote
  #148  
Old 04-18-2014, 11:05 AM
Ken Hayes's Avatar
Ken Hayes Ken Hayes is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dearborn Heights. MI
Posts: 974
Default

Getting old in FLORIDA

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Punta Gorda , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'


************************************************** ********

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on
the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
************************************************** ********


Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage,
he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called,

because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

************************************************** ********


A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

************************************************** ********


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs , and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
__________________
Today, is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..enjoy it !!!

Last edited by Ken Hayes; 04-18-2014 at 11:08 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #149  
Old 04-19-2014, 08:22 PM
Ken Hayes's Avatar
Ken Hayes Ken Hayes is offline
Administrator
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dearborn Heights. MI
Posts: 974
Default

Priceless!

God's Wife


I especially liked number 5!


The purpose of this
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

************************ *********************

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

*********************** **********************

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

5.
An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:


'Are you God's wife?'
__________________
Today, is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday..enjoy it !!!
Reply With Quote
  #150  
Old 05-04-2014, 10:38 PM
Ms Grumpy's Avatar
Ms Grumpy Ms Grumpy is offline
Bowtie Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Just outside San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 7,403
Default

You guys have some great ones.

Here is one I found on Facebook. I think I know this flight attendant. lol

__________________
Get in, sit down, shut up, hold on...cause Ms Grumpy is driving !

For the audio geek try: www.audiokarma.org

Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:07 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.6
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Audiokarma.org