I needed a good laugh this morning and that last one did it ,Thanks .

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your
ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

Ford Acronyms


Factory Ordered Road Disaster
Ford Owner Really Dumb
For Only Retarded Drivers
Flipprd Over Russian Dunebuggy
it Freaking Only Runs Downhill
First On Repair Dolly

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get
in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man
said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept
her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me
and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look
daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

Here I sit
All broken-hearted
Bought a Ford
That almost started

I bought a Ford
And got it loaded
It laid down
And then exploded

I took it in
To get repaired
No such thing
Ford ain't prepared

Got it home
In great disgust
Now it sits
Collecting dust

When it died
My friends agreed
It's one less chance
To hit a tree

The price you pay
To own a Ford
Is just one side
Of a double-edged sword

-Thanks to Bud for this one.

Did you hear about the Ford Mustang driver who opened the
door to let the clutch out?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

Sorry guys, I couldn't resist posting this one.

WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP

God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over. He couldnt decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

Its a very handy thing God told them and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it. Well Adam jumped up and down and begged Oh please give that to me. I would love to able to do that. It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please please give it to me. On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just starting whizzing all over the place, first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name on the sand and then he tried to hit a tree stump ten feet away- laughing with delight.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, well I guess your kind of stuck with the other part I have left.

What is it called said Eve and God said BRAINS

Two men at a bar had been enjoying their drinks for a couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Sheez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman snootily replies, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."