My wife posted this on Facebook

I did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Ray, I can believe it. My daughter Leah loves all animals and insects ... except spiders. Show her a spider and she could be an olympic high jumper.

Im not real fond of spiders either as I found a web face first this morning .

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

Youre soooooo BAD ,I got to show these to Joan ,I needed that .

TEACHER: Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. Can someone tell us why we shouldn't do these things?

STUDENT: Because the government hates competition!

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

“Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky…………..”

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope…. along with this note:

“Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky”

I hope I don't offend anyone with this one, but I got a huge kick out of this.

If a bra is an
"Over the shoulder boulder holder" ?
then what would you call men's underwear ?
Under the butt nut hut ?

or maybe
lower decker knacker jacker ?
or
under the hip weinie grip ?

HAHAHA Ms Grumpy those were pretty funny. I got a kick outta that!