I agree....lol

A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way,...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The China man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these not Chinese customs I doing, these American Customs.'
'What do you mean ' says the neighbor , 'Those aren't American customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man 'He say to become true American, I must learn to

.... chase chicks,
.... get piss drunk, and
.... listen to bull-shit...

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.



Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.



Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!



The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".



VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.



Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of
beans would you know which one made you fart?

Those were good .

Haha those are pretty good!

Ken you always come up with good ones. lol

This is a true story

I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'.

From there, the man's headache turns into a migraine. When he requested that the mother calm her child down he was scolded. What follows next is either a stroke of genius or a cruel joke on a mother and child in search of quiet and sugar respectively.

I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

I love this one. The best part is when he takes out a pie and starts eating it. LOL

Ken ,youre slipping ,need something funny here .

I saw this one on Facebook and had to post it.


The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby .....Whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Pie. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.