Spend the last half hour laughing at all the joke, thanks I needed a good laugh.

I forgot to mention that I read these jokes to Joan and she loves them.

You guys are welcome to post your jokes and one liners.

I dont know any good ones and also dont know how to copy and paste .

Now that's funny.

Stanley, an elderly golfer, comes in after his round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar and restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swing doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: £ 3.50
HAMBURGER: £ 7.00
CHEESEBURGER: £ 8.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £ 8.50
HAND JOB: £ 35.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a broad smile. “May I help you Sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his eyes and with an even wider smile, purrs, “Yes Sir, I certainly am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and whispers into her left ear, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a chicken sandwich.”

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

What's in the box?
 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.

A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like poop."

The little old lady said,

"It is and I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Little Johnny
 

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.

The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "Without a doubt ma'am, I’d like to be Johnny's bitch !!"

Brittish humor
 

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.

Great jokes. I really liked the Elmo one. :)

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law* lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law* said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said
Adult Jokes 18+

And then the fight started .

But aren't wrinkles like little scrapes on a car. It give them character.

Redneck pick up lines...

1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2. My love fer you is like diarrhea... I can't hold it in.
3. I got a six pack of beer and the new Hank Jr CD.
4. Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
5. You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in the driveway.
6. Are your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special.
7. You're not the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9. Hey baby, nice tooth!
10. Wanna come over to my trailer, drink some beer an see my new velvet Elvis painting?

I love it. Especially the first one.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Adult Jokes 18+

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
Adult Jokes 18+

Those were good ,I needed that .

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Im pretty sure that last one is a real scenario instead of a joke .

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

(you knew it was coming !)

Yep ,I knew it was coming but I could not stop reading . You make my days .

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

Dooohhhhh....

Lol, that is funny.

I think that many of us have been in a situation like that with one of our kids, at one time or another.

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.


When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the whole country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.
__________________

Very good .

A guy walks out of the restroom..
A girl sees him and says "Sir your garage door is open"..
The guy smirks and asks "Did you see my Harley"?
The girl smiles and says "No...I saw a Mini bike and two flat tires"..

Laughter time.
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Taken from the pages of "Things that make you go hmmm"

Suicide? Or murder? You be the judge...
 

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,........ so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed ???

Let's offend everyone!
 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

The Man Rules...
 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side



Now here are the rules from the male side



These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1.. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh....

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!

4th marriage
 

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we
were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into
such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we
had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened."

I am loving these. I have to pass them on. And keep 'em coming.

I found this on Facebook tonight and I am still laughing. Hope you like it too.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

A farmer has two old bulls and, feeling they’ve lost their exuberance, buys a young bull , a rather large bull. As the young bull begins industriously mounting one cow after another in the pasture. after done with each cow they would fall over with broken backs. one of the old bulls starts pawing the ground and snorting. “What’s the matter,” says the other. “You getting young ideas?” “No,” replies the first bull. “I don’t want that young fellow to think I’m one of the cows!”

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again.

It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.

"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?