This was sent to me by Ms flash.....

THE "REAL" NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS



T'was the night before Christmas, and in the garage,
There wasn't a trace... of a Ford, or a Dodge.
The tree was trimmed, and the lights were all lit,
So I figgered I'd fool with the Chevelle for a bit.

I popped the release, then lifted the hood,
When a deep voice behind me said "Looks pretty good."

Well, as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,
And there by the workbench, stood good ol' Saint Nick!
We stood there a bit, not really sure what to say,
Then he said "Don't suppose that you'd trade for my sleigh? "

I said "No way, Santa!" and started to grin,
"But if you've got the time, we could go for a spin!"

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,
Turned into a smile, and he said "Hey! Let's go!!"
So's not to disturb all the neighbors' retreat,
We quietly pushed the Chevelle out in the street,
Then I throttled the Holley, but not too much,
I keyed up the motor, and let out the clutch.

The sound that erupted took Santa by surprise,
But he liked it a lot, by the twinkle in his eyes.

With Goodyears a-smokin' and headers aglow,
We cruised on out where the gearheads all go.
Ol' St. Nick's grin widened, nearly to his ears,
With every up shift, as I banged all the gears.
Then he yelled "Can't recall when I've felt so alive!",
So I backed off the gas and asked "D'ya wanna drive?"

Ol' Santa was stunned when I pitched him the keys,
When he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the big-block exploded with that Flowmaster sound...
Santa let out the clutch, and the Goodyears grabbed the ground!
He power-shifted into second, and again into third!
I sat there just watching, I couldn't mutter a word.

Then I heard him exclaim as we blasted from sight,

"Merry Christmas to all......…..What a great night!!!!"

You guys come up with some great ones..

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Blue Granite Metallic 2011 Chevy Silverado LT 4x4 crew-cab with the 5'8" short box with black leather bench seat interior. It has the 403hp 6.2L V8, 6 speed automatic, and max towing package with 3.73 gears and factory brake controller. It has 17" aluminum wheels with General Altimax tires, and a 2" drop hitch with 2-5/16" ball. I removed the 4x4 stickers off the box sides and the flex-fuel emblem off the tailgate.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Too Much Sex...........





I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit

Frozen Windows



Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it

and gently tap edges with hammer."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really messed up now.”

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS




Pass to all 60 yrs. And older & anyone else who could benefit.



Cardiovascular Exercise




The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.



If you're over 60, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.




Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!







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That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

Finger got tired just using the scroll wheel on my mouse.

That was way too easy .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”


"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Newfie Road Work


A road crew supervisor in Saskatchewan hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Prince Albert. He was sceptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie- Jane, told him so.

He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centreline on the road.

He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.



After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him.

He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles
of road that was asked of him.

His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was
called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your
second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"



"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."