She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

I couldn't resist posting this.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

I like it ,and its closer to being true than a joke .

Isn't that the truth, Lol

WARNING: After a recent wave of identify thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information. So protect yourself and remember: The real one is the one that doesn't work.

MEDICARE PLAN "G"

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you.
So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or
older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating and air conditioning no bills, and
all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're
all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of 4 useless
politicians while you're at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you
don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or
what?

OMG....isn't that the truth. Good one !

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.


The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said 'Good trade.'

Love it !!!!

Now that's funny

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven.
At the gate, St Peter tells Henry Ford: "Well, you've been such a good guy, invented the car, changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anybody in Heaven of your choice."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: "I would like to hang out with God himself?"
So St Peter takes him directly to God's thrown and Henry Ford starts by saying: "God, I don't want to sound biased, but you have some major design flaws in Your invention, the Woman.
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is too close to the exhaust."
"MMMMM" says God and goes over to the Celestial Super Computer, types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results.
He then turns to Henry Ford and says; "It may be that My invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer more men are riding My invention then your's".

Good one.........

Isn't that the truth,Lol

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"

Lol.. Another good one.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

I love the Cat in the Hat !!!

http://chevelleforum.org/picture.php...pictureid=4197

I resemble ALL that .

That's starting to get close to home. lol

Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.


Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Ouch ,didnt see that one coming .

A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Doug came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Doug."

Im going to share that .

Ken those last two were great. The hospital one caught David off guard and he let out a loud "Ouch". lol

If ya'll need a laugh.....this will do it............if it don't....your dead !!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

Thanks I needed that .....................

Getting old in FLORIDA

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Punta Gorda , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'


************************************************** ********

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on
the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
************************************************** ********


Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage,
he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called,

because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

************************************************** ********


A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

************************************************** ********


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs , and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

Priceless!

God's Wife


I especially liked number 5!


The purpose of this
contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

************************ *********************

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'

*********************** **********************

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

5.
An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her:


'Are you God's wife?'

You guys have some great ones.

Here is one I found on Facebook. I think I know this flight attendant. lol

http://chevelleforum.org/picture.php...pictureid=4247

Office etiquette while in the bathroom training course

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUEu...layer_embedded

Ray ,that was funny .

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER..
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale....

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100...

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is.... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick___________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Those were great .

sale lol lol
 

found this old add.

Those were all good. lol

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and

Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.

Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

And because all you have is Obamacare, She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

Funny and true Ken. lol

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and
Subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
The smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk,

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
The water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers,
'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he
Dunks the drunk in the water again, but this
Time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again,

'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'




The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

LOL..... Where do you find these Ken ?