Spend the last half hour laughing at all the joke, thanks I needed a good laugh.

I forgot to mention that I read these jokes to Joan and she loves them.

You guys are welcome to post your jokes and one liners.

I dont know any good ones and also dont know how to copy and paste .

Now that's funny.

Stanley, an elderly golfer, comes in after his round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar and restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swing doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: £ 3.50
HAMBURGER: £ 7.00
CHEESEBURGER: £ 8.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £ 8.50
HAND JOB: £ 35.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a broad smile. “May I help you Sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his eyes and with an even wider smile, purrs, “Yes Sir, I certainly am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and whispers into her left ear, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a chicken sandwich.”

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "But I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

What's in the box?
 

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.

She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.

A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.

She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like poop."

The little old lady said,

"It is and I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Little Johnny
 

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.

The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "Without a doubt ma'am, I’d like to be Johnny's bitch !!"

Brittish humor
 

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.