I like it Ken.

Get a lot from my cousin and I have no idea where he gets em at.

Just keep 'em coming. lol

Ahhh Nurses

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE. . .

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.


Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.


Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.


Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."





Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it ?

And heres another.....


THIS IS A GOOD ONE…….. LOL


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:

"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed
and moved to another table.


After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with
a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?"


The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:"I study law, and I know how to screw people."

You find some painful jokes Ken. lol Love them.

Those were great ,I needed that .

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.


Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"


Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."



The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"



Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.



On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.



Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.



As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."



"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Another good one .

I agree....lol

A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land . A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way,...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The China man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these not Chinese customs I doing, these American Customs.'
'What do you mean ' says the neighbor , 'Those aren't American customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man 'He say to become true American, I must learn to

.... chase chicks,
.... get piss drunk, and
.... listen to bull-shit...

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.



Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.



Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard!



The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".



VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.



Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of
beans would you know which one made you fart?

Those were good .

Haha those are pretty good!

Ken you always come up with good ones. lol

This is a true story

I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'.

From there, the man's headache turns into a migraine. When he requested that the mother calm her child down he was scolded. What follows next is either a stroke of genius or a cruel joke on a mother and child in search of quiet and sugar respectively.

I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

I love this one. The best part is when he takes out a pie and starts eating it. LOL

Ken ,youre slipping ,need something funny here .

I saw this one on Facebook and had to post it.


The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby .....Whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Pie. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Don, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots, so,
seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Don stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Don, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."

Furious, Don yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Don, shoulda bought a hat!"

I knew there was a reason I wear hats .

LOL..........I know what you mean. This was about 20 years ago. I was a Country Western Dance Instructor and competition dancer for 13 years.

Gun Control





Gun Control; It has already started at Bass Pro Shops
Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun
control wackos running amok, I did just as she had
instructed. When The hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little
clearer.

I still do not think I looked that bad.

Love the picture Ken. Lol

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto."

That sounds like a true story .

Thats a good one

This video is a little long but well worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0

Can't tell you how many times I heard this when I was a kid, just not the Ford part.

This was sent to me by Ms flash.....

THE "REAL" NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS



T'was the night before Christmas, and in the garage,
There wasn't a trace... of a Ford, or a Dodge.
The tree was trimmed, and the lights were all lit,
So I figgered I'd fool with the Chevelle for a bit.

I popped the release, then lifted the hood,
When a deep voice behind me said "Looks pretty good."

Well, as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,
And there by the workbench, stood good ol' Saint Nick!
We stood there a bit, not really sure what to say,
Then he said "Don't suppose that you'd trade for my sleigh? "

I said "No way, Santa!" and started to grin,
"But if you've got the time, we could go for a spin!"

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,
Turned into a smile, and he said "Hey! Let's go!!"
So's not to disturb all the neighbors' retreat,
We quietly pushed the Chevelle out in the street,
Then I throttled the Holley, but not too much,
I keyed up the motor, and let out the clutch.

The sound that erupted took Santa by surprise,
But he liked it a lot, by the twinkle in his eyes.

With Goodyears a-smokin' and headers aglow,
We cruised on out where the gearheads all go.
Ol' St. Nick's grin widened, nearly to his ears,
With every up shift, as I banged all the gears.
Then he yelled "Can't recall when I've felt so alive!",
So I backed off the gas and asked "D'ya wanna drive?"

Ol' Santa was stunned when I pitched him the keys,
When he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the big-block exploded with that Flowmaster sound...
Santa let out the clutch, and the Goodyears grabbed the ground!
He power-shifted into second, and again into third!
I sat there just watching, I couldn't mutter a word.

Then I heard him exclaim as we blasted from sight,

"Merry Christmas to all......…..What a great night!!!!"

You guys come up with some great ones..

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Blue Granite Metallic 2011 Chevy Silverado LT 4x4 crew-cab with the 5'8" short box with black leather bench seat interior. It has the 403hp 6.2L V8, 6 speed automatic, and max towing package with 3.73 gears and factory brake controller. It has 17" aluminum wheels with General Altimax tires, and a 2" drop hitch with 2-5/16" ball. I removed the 4x4 stickers off the box sides and the flex-fuel emblem off the tailgate.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Too Much Sex...........





I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (65+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit

Frozen Windows



Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it

and gently tap edges with hammer."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really messed up now.”

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS




Pass to all 60 yrs. And older & anyone else who could benefit.



Cardiovascular Exercise




The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.



If you're over 60, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.




Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!







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NOW SCROLL UP
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

Finger got tired just using the scroll wheel on my mouse.

That was way too easy .

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”


"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Newfie Road Work


A road crew supervisor in Saskatchewan hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Prince Albert. He was sceptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie- Jane, told him so.

He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centreline on the road.

He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.



After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him.

He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles
of road that was asked of him.

His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was
called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your
second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"



"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."