Well this sucks!
 

So we went to FL in February to visit my mom, sister and brother-in-law and enjoy the nice weather. My mom lives with them. Long story short my mom ended up in the hospital with an intestinal blockage. They did surgery and it was caused by adhesion's, scar tissue, from an old surgery. She doesn't do well with anesthesia or pain killers so they had to intubate her, you know tube down the throat so the machine can breath for you. Well they pulled the tube on Wednesday and she looked and sounded 100% better. It was time for us to leave so we left Thursday morning, got home last night. My sister called today, she's back in ICU, they had to intubate her again this morning. My sister was furious, she went to the hospital to see her and that's when she found out, they didn't even call her. She does have medical power of attorney.

So I don't know, I may sound like a prick but my mom has done this to herself. I love her, I don't want to see her suffer but she's her own worst enemy. She had a knee replaced over 10 years ago and wouldn't follow through with the therapy. She had back surgery 5 or 6 years ago and wouldn't follow through with the therapy. She had her other knee replaced about 3 years, go ahead and guess if she followed through with the therapy. She's over 250 lbs of fat and absolutely zero muscle and she wonders why she hurts so much?

I know, I'm her son, I should have some sympathy but she won't listen to anybody. She won't get up and move, just sits in a chair all day. Maybe get's up 2 or 3 times, I'd rather shoot myself. Oh, it hurts, I can't do it. Well I've had multiple intestinal surgeries, fractured my pelvis in 3 places a year and half ago but I never stayed down. Okay, enough of that. I feel sorry for her but I'm also mad at her because she's given up. She's miserable and wants to die but she's afraid of dieing. Call me what you will but I wish she would slip silently into the night. I can't stand to see her live like this anymore.

If that's not bad enough, some of you may remember this post from October 2010.

http://chevelleforum.org/showthread....light=Veronica

I've not kept you updated on Veronica's condition. It's sad and depressing, I could write a book on what's she's endured in the last 2 1/2 years. The amazing thing is she's remained Veronica, positive, upbeat and a joy to be around. Well we fear this is the end for this sweet child. After the breast surgery they found cancer in the lymph nodes and she had more surgery. Then cancer in the bone and now in the brain. She came home, her mom's house, a few days ago. She can't see and she's in terrible pain. I think this is it. We'll go see her on Monday, probably the last time we see her.

Our son said he's want's to pay for her funeral. Veronica has nothing, she hasn't worked in over a year and lot's of medical bills, her mom has nothing either. Her father died a number of years ago and her mom has had a stroke and is broke. He, our son, is starting to make some money now but still has school loans to pay off. I don't know, just a bad situation and he thinks enough of her to do this.

Please don't take this wrong, this is not a fund raiser and I'm not looking for donations, it's just sad. What I would like is a prayer or kind thought for Veronica. She's a special person and will be missed.

Sorry for the depressing and boring news. Sometimes you just need to tell a friend or friends.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.

Vent all you want, that is what friends are for.

Wow! That DOES suck. If it's any consolation, I know how you feel. We went down to Florida a few weeks ago to visit my parents. My dad said he wanted to give me his milling machine. GIVE. I thought this was strange, so we went down, more to check on them than get the mill. Turns out my mom has kidney cancer and my dad had two more strokes he didn't think were a big deal.

Your family is in our thoughts as well.

Wow ,sorry to hear about your mom ,but if she has given up there's little anyone can do. When my father in law had Alshimers(sp) ,at the end we hoped and prayed that God would take him in his sleep .I remember Veronica from the last time you talked about her and so sorry to hear her plight . You have prayers from us to you and your extended family ,keep in touch.

Hank, you can vent anytime, especially about this. I wish there was words that I could type here that could ease some of your pain. There just isn't. But I can say that your mom has lived her life, and like you said, she makes her own decisions..one of them is sitting in her chair all day. All you can do is be there for her, talk to her listen to her, and maybe she will listen to you one day and get up and move. I am fortunate to have my mother close to us. But I am also the one of her 6 kids that she has asked to make the hard decisions if she ever becomes incapacitated. My mom is like my best friend and I told her that I don't know if I would be able to when the time comes. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers.

Veronica is lucky to have your son in her life. You said that he still has school loans to pay for, but paying for her funeral may be something that he needs to do, for himself. You won't know for sure until the time comes, but such a sad story... Please let us know how you and your family are doing...

I feel for you Hank. I'm going to the ICU this morning to see my brother. It could very well be the last time that I see him alive. Full of bone cancer, on a ventilator. Not a pretty site. Hang in there Hank, Lynda, and Henry.

Doug? He's still a pretty young man. Terrible news Tony, I've been meaning to call you and see how his knee was coming along. We'll be thinking of him and you guys.

Not Doug Hank. Chris, who is a couple of years younger than me. I just got back from the hospital. He can barely wiggle his toes to communicate but he is all but dead now. Sad I tell ya, sad. I sure as hell hope I have a good strong heart attack and drop dead. Or someone shoots me between the eyes.
I wish the best for Veronica.

Well I found out why they sent my mom back to the ICU and tubed her again. I called the hospital and spoke to her nurse, asked her to go through her chart and see if they gave her any pain meds prior to sending her back to ICU. Sure enough, they gave her dilaudid around midnight Friday, back to ICU at 6:30 AM Saturday.

Dumb asses! Dilaudid is 10 times as strong as morphine, there's no reason she needed something that strong. We warned the Drs and nurses when she went in the hospital, we warned them every time we spoke with them. She's 86 and has zero muscle, she can't metabolize anesthetics or pain killers. They shut her whole body down. They also had no excuse for not calling someone when her condition changed. I confirmed they have my sister's house #, cell #, my brother in-laws cell#, my cell# and Lynda's cell#. Next F up and shits going to hit the fan.

Hank,

So sorry to hear about your Mom. We'll be praying for your mom and your family.
Remember that God is in total control of all things.

Take care and Happy Easter!

I don't recall you mentioning Chris so I assumed Doug. Very sorry to hear that Tony, you're right, very sad.

I think Veronica is on the same trip as Chris. Part of the reason we left with my mom still in the hospital. We need to see her one more time. She's in terrible pain, can't see. Hope they both go peacefully.

Sorry to hear about the wrong meds Hank. It seems like they just don't ever listen.


I'll tell you something that really bothers me. When one of my dogs gets this ill, I take him to the vets to be put out of his misery. It is the right thing to do. Period. When I see the suffering and agony that my brother is going through, it just makes no sense to me why I can't do the same for him. If I could, I'd unplug everything that is hooked up to him and tell him goodby. That seems like the "right" thing to do.

I agree Tony. I'm surprised they don't give Chris morphine and pull the ventilator. Let him be comfortable and go peacefully, no reason to make him suffer any longer.

Get yourself a medical wishes form and fill it out. It tells the Drs what you want if you're ever in that situation. Also you and Kathy should each have medical power of attorney for each other. Without those things Drs often try and keep you alive even if there is no hope for recovery.

Prayers and best wishes to all on this thread that things will get better or their suffering will soon be over .
John

This may be the end for my mom. They pulled the tube yesterday and she was alert and doing pretty well, all things considered. Then they called my sister this morning and told her she wasn't breathing enough. Her oxygen levels were dropping and the CO2 was building up in her blood. They wanted to know if needed should they tube her again. We talked about it and I talked to my uncle, her only living sibling. We told them no. If she wants to live bad enough she'll breath but they can't keep sticking a tube down her throat.

She's unresponsive and has been all day. My sister tried to wake her and get a response but nothing. I should be sad but I'm not all that upset about it. She's been miserable and depressed for years. She does absolutely nothing all day long but watch TV and sleep in her chair. Maybe she's decided she's had enough. She has nothing to look forward to and won't make any effort to improve herself. If she's tired of living that way I understand.

Its sad to say but sometimes death is the best cure ,still in my prayers .

Thanks John. Death is part of life, as they say, no one get's out of it alive.

I think maybe she decided she's had enough. If so that's okay and if it's that she's just not strong enough, well I guess that's okay. If there was a chance that she would recover and be healthy that would be different but that's not going to happen. If she does recover she'll be in a nursing home the rest of her life, probably laying in a bed all day. She can't go back to my sister's, they're both in their 60's and can't spend 24 hrs a day taking care of her. Especially when she makes no effort to take care of herself. I know that sounds mean but I just don't want to see her living like she has been any longer.

Doesn't sound mean to me Hank. It sounds like the reasonable way to look at it. Good luck with everything.

Being a caregiver is the toughest task for a family member to deal with and can be more stressful than anyone can imagine .Been there done that and it almost killed Joan in the process .It takes a special kind of person to work with the elderly day in and day out and we met quite a few when Joan's dads time came .He was in a home for about the last month of his life as we could no longer give him the care he deserved and those caregivers took good care of him and loved him the short time he was there.Hank ,I wish I could give you some words of comfort but I think you are in a good place in your heart already .
John

Hank it is so hard to read about your mom, I can't imagine what you have gone through. I agree with John, it sounds like you have prepared yourself for we might think is the worst. But if she has given up, as you have said, then maybe she has made peace with her existence her on Earth. For your sake and hers, I hope that she doesn't suffer anymore.

Tony, I had an uncle who passed of bone cancer in the early 80's. We watched this energetic man be reduced to nothing and was in pain constantly. I am sorry for your pain, I cannot imagine losing a sibling. Please let us know how both of you are doing.

Thanks Linda. They took the ventilator off Chris. He is breathing on his own, barely. They want to put him in assisted living. He doen't want to go there. He wants to go home. I have been designated as his legal decesion maker. I just don't see how he could make it on his own at home. I can't spend 24 hours a day there and he doen't have any insurance coverage for that. I'm going to speak with the Docs and the social worker and see what I can do. Chris is in no shape to even consider being on his own. He looks like a skeleton with some skin hung on him.

Tony, you need to put him in the assisted living. He will have the help he needs. I know how people have talked about how caring for a loved one was extremely difficult. Is there a place near you so that you can visit often.

If Im ever in that situation please see to it that someone pulls the plug and lets me go .My father in law had made the decision that when the his time came he did not want to be on artificial life support of any kind and it made things so much easier to deal with but we still had to make the nursing home comply with his wishes .They brought in a Hospice Provider to make him comfortable and he died peacefully .At that time our prayers were answered as he had suffered enough .
My prayers continue to all in need .

He is trying to find a Doc that will release him. He is adamant that he is going home. I'm just not sure what I should do now. He is convinced that all he had wrong was pneumonia and he will recover. He was at the cancer clinic a couple of weeks ago for a stem cell treatment. They said his lungs were too far gone to help him. Doc said he has a 50/50 chance of ever leaving the hospital. I can understand him not wanting to die there.

Any news on your mother Hank?

Tony does your brother live anywhere near you ? I take it he is alone, no significant other, or children.

Hank, same as Tony, wondering how your mom is doing.

This is nuts. He checked himself out of the hospital! He lives about 10 miles from me. He has five kids, but ony one or two of them have any real contact with him. I'll go over there this morning and see what the hell he is thinking.

Tony, I hope that your brothers kids make an effort to help you. I pray that you will get thru to him.

He got mad and threw his daughter out of the house. The Doc and nurse that were taking care of him released him AMA. Against Medical Advice. He can't get his oxygen tanks filled under a prescription now. He thinks the Doc was trying to poison him, the nurse was putting poison in his food, his phone was tapped, and the Hospital had people hiding behind the curtain watching him. This aint any fun.

Sorry to hear that Tony. He needs to be in hospice but if he's not ready mentally that's tough. I have no idea what to say about how you should handle this. All the best.

Mom passed last night. We flew back down on Tuesday. Saw her Wednesday in ICU, she looked awful. Dr said we had to make a choice. They could put a tube in for feeding, maybe try to build up some strength or take the IV out. She couldn't remain on the IV much longer, it has bad side affects after awhile. We decided to move her into hospice. The Dr wouldn't say it before we decided but told us we made the right decision for her. They moved her Wednesday night and made her comfortable, no more tubes, IVs and needles poking her. She slept most of Thursday and Friday, only opening her eyes for a few seconds at a time. She looked very comfortable and at peace for the short time she was there.

They called a few minutes after 10 last night and said she had passed. We went and said goodby. So mom's not miserable and in pain any longer and we're glad for that.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

Tony, Chris's paranoia is because he's not getting enough oxygen. Lynda's mom had emphysema and the same thing happened to her just before she passed. She just reminded me of that, she sends her love. Wish I had some advice for you but I don't. Just know we care.

Hank...I'm sorry for your loss.
Losing a parent is a tough thing to go thru but your Mom is in a better place with no more suffering.

I send my condolenses to you and the family Hank. Like Bill said, she is in a better place.


That is most likely it then Hank on Chris. The paranoia came shortly after they removed the ventilator. Been downhill since. We took him some supper last night. Man, he looks bad.

Hank I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I am so glad to hear at the end that she seemed at peace.

Tony you are doing the best you can. He knows you care and are there for him.

Thank you all. We're just making arrangements for cremation, well that's already done. Her ashes will be buried with my fathers remains. His grave marker is a bronze plaque provided by the VA, no room to add my mothers name. That's been his marker since 1959 so we feel it should remain. We'll add a second marker below it for my mom. Not doing the funeral home thing, those are unpleasant and pretty stressful for the family. We'll have a memorial service followed by a luncheon in a few weeks in Michigan.

I guess I should have called it delusional instead of paranoia but certainly delusion can cause paranoia in some people. Same thing happens with people with dementia. Short term memory is affected so they can't process what's going on around them. They may remember that someone was just with them but can't remember who it was or why they were there so they think the worst. The person was here to steal from me or hurt me.

Tough situation Tony, I feel for you. Tough to reason with or deal with a person in that state. I know, we dealt with it for a number of years with Lynda's father. I hope Chris doesn't have to suffer long in this state, hope his passing is soon and peaceful.

Hank ,I too am sorry to hear of your loss but as has been said she is in a better place and suffers no more . I know its not easy but it gets better knowing you dont have to worry whether she is being cared for properly .
Still in my prayers .

Tony, just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you and your brother.

Thank you.

Sorry I have haven't been around much, lot of details to handle. Seems like I've been on the phone for a week now. Mortuary service, cemetery, mom's medicare supplemental insurance, prescription drug insurance and relatives, lot's of relatives.

We also stuck around in FL to help my sister go through my mom's things. It's a lot easier as a group and Lynda was a huge help. I know my sister would have a hard time trying to go through mom's things on her own. She hasn't been a tremendous help, either on the phone with friends or sleeping.

Mom is in her room now, the mortuary delivered her ashes yesterday. We just painted her room for her while we were down there. I replaced all the outlets, switches and plates too. Just before she went in the hospital, hope she likes it.

Still more to do at the cemetery, pick out a plaque to go with my dad's. We'll have both mounted on a 4" granite slab. We're having a memorial service for her on May 4th and a luncheon afterward.

I'm stressed! I need another beer, later.

Been there done that a few years back. We will keep in in our prayers. Take care of yourself. My condolences to you and your family in this time of loss.
Ray