Tough day for my daughter
 

I am conflicted on how I feel right now. Let me tell you what is going on.

I have a daughter who 4 yrs ago got a DUI. She then moved out of state for a couple years and was in an abusive relationship so I went and persuaded her to move back to Michigan. Well in late June, she got her second DUI. She was on her way home from a concert and someone called the police on a car swerving all over the road. When the police caught up with her she blew a .2+ (extremely drunk) and spent the night in the drunk tank.

Last month she had her preliminary court date and had asked the court to move her case to another city so that she could do sobriety court near to her home. She had been told that if she agreed to the plea agreement that she could get 14+ days in jail which could be postponed til a later date for her to make sure that her daughter was taken care of, $2500 fine, lose her license for a period of time (they were told there was the possibility of a restricted license because she has a child and she needed to work), do required AA meetings 3 days a week and drug test when her color was called.

Well today was her sentencing court date. Her attorney did a great job but the judge was hearing no part of my daughters sob story. She sentenced her to the $2500 fine, lose her license for 2 years, her car was to be disabled for 90 days starting the day that she gets out of jail, AA meetings 5 days a week, drug testing 5 days a week and 12 days in jail to start immediately.

When the judge told my daughter she was going to jail my daughter turned to look at us with a look of shock. Now here is where I am going to sound like a really mean mom. I am glad that the judge threw her in jail, this young lady has had so many people bail her out everytime that she got into trouble that she needs to get a reality check. The part of her totally losing her license for 2 years is going to be hard with her daughter who goes to school and has dance class. And the court ordered AA meetings are understandable except how is she going to take her daughter to a sitter and get to the meetings. And the same goes for her testing, which without the transfer to another city, is 10 miles from her house.

I am just numb right now. I have spent the past week dealing with this and it has been difficult. I am happy that someone took the time to report a drunk driver, and I am relieved that no one was hurt, but she is still my daughter. I want her to learn something from this, but deep down in my gut I am not sure that she will.

Sorry to hear about your daughter. If she stays clean they may give her a restricted license down the road, but she will have to prove herself first. It will be hard on her and your family, if she or her daughter needs a ride. Not sure how the mass transit works in your area, but sounds like she will be force to use it. Im glad she didn't hit or kill anyone while driving under the influence. It could have been much worse.

Thanks Ray. Unfortunately where my daughter lives has a minimal bus system at best. Where she has to go for testing has even less and the testing location is 4 miles from the closest bus route.

I am not asking for sympathy, the reason that I posted this is because the system is made to fail for a lot of people. She had asked to have her case transfered closer so that she had a better chance of succeeding. But with the cost of $20 per testing and having to test 5 times a week, how is she even going to be able to do that ? I am sorry I just needed a place to vent about my frustration, I cannot even begin to think about what she is going thru. But she did this to herself. Unfortunately many other people in her family and friend circle are being affected.

Tough situation Nancy, don't know how she and you are going to deal with it. Hopefully she's figured out that there are consequences to her actions. I guess it takes some hard punishment before some people see the light, good luck.

I do agree Hank. She need someone or something to wake her up. She has a boyfriend who is a good guy with a great job and she is going to lose him if she doesn't change her ways.

Found out today that she is scheduled for release next Thursday. Then this 800 number came up on my cell phone and I didn't answer it, then 15 minutes later the same number came up on Davids cell. Come to find out, after calling the 800 number, that now when people are in jail they can't call collect. You have to prepay for those calls on the phone number that they call. And that is not cheap either. $9 for the first minute and $4 every minute after that. So for $25 you get a 5 minute call.

Sorry to hear about her situation ,hope she learns from this .No room on the roads for impaired drivers ,hope she uses this as a real wake up call .Hopefully after a while if she behaves they will allow her to move her case closer where she can comply with their rules better .It will be tough for a while but she can do it .

John I totally agree with you, there is NO room for impaired drivers on the road. I did not post this for any type of sympathy. I posted because I am really mad that she chose to get behind the wheel after drinking. She has been around cars her whole life, she practically grew up at the drag strip and saw how a small mistake in driving straight could cause a lot of damage. I know that she is going to need rides to different places and I will help her, but only if she follows some of my rules. I have to apply some tough love and in some ways I feel strange. She is an adult and I am going to have to treat her like a kid. But I need her to realize that she could have gone to jail for years had she hurt someone.

I've had a revoked license for quite some time now and I still drove. It was basically just to work and back but none the less it was still against the law.

I was on my way to work one morning around 5:45am driving my buddies Olds with a wrong plate on it. I pulled up to a traffic light with a cop right behind me. Stupid ass me, I put the plate in the back window instead of on the bumper where it should be. Light changed green and the red n blues came on. This was Feb 2 1995 and it was cold out. I pulled over and got out of the car and started walking back to the cop car and put my hands in my coat pockets..........big mistake, as the cops both jumped out with guns drawn. Take your hands out slowly he said and I said I did it because I was cold. Anyways, I got arrested and then a few weeks later went to court. The woman judge asked if I've ever been in jail before.........yes I said but only for overnight. Well Mr. Hayes, your going for longer this time. She said 30 days in Wayne County jail. Wayne was too full so I ended up at Macomb County jail in a cell with about 20 other guys that were there for anything from traffic to murder. I ended up only doing 10 days and then was let go.

That 10 days was the longest 10 days in my life but I ended up learning my lesson from it and haven't really driven since then. My lawyer said I could probably get my license back in 2025 but don't count on it. Shit, by then I'll be 79 years old (if I make it that long) and will be too scared to drive.

Nancy, I'll bet you a dollar to a donut, that your daughter will also learn her lesson.

Ken, thank you. I have talked with you in the past about your driving and I knew that you understood. I hope and pray that my daughter learns from this.

So today I go to the jail to deposit some money into her commissary account. While I am there I asked if there is anything else that has to be taken care of before her release. And guess what...there is. Apparently when you are checked into the jail you are charged a $12 fee. Last time she was released without paying the fee so she owed another $24. So in the last 24 hours, my daughter being incarcerated has cost me over $150.

Just got my 1st phone call from my daughter. She of course sounds down. The 1st day and a half that she was there she spent 23 hours in an overcrowded room. Now she is in a cell that is supposed to be for 2 but has 3 people in it. I asked how she was and she said she is not eating because the food is inedible. But she does have a mustard sandwich for dinner. What did she think was going to happen. She is in jail, not at the Hilton. I know I am sounding mean, but I am still extremely frustrated. Thanks for listening guys.

Its called, tough love. Hope she can come out of this a better person. She is going to need all the support she can get to stop drinking.

She will eat......she may not like it but she will eat. When I was in those 10 days, I got to cherish all those crumbs.

I hope she has an epiphany and snaps out of whatever funk she is in.

I say that as a former heavy drinker/alcohol abuser. I caught a break once 4.5 years ago and changed my ways from that moment on. I literally went 550+ days without a drink immediately after that butt-puckering experience. Since then, I might have a drink 2-3 times per year. And when I do, it is one and done. This year, I can recall only drinking once. I had a drink on my birthday with dinner. I was out with friends and had one as a social thing, didn't really crave it or need to have it.

I wish her all the best, as I have seen the bottle get the best of myself and others close to me.

Thank you for all the support guys. I talked to her this morning and she must think that I am the coldest mom alive. But at $4 a minute I am going to use it wisely and not be all lovey. Anyway she has to have her car disabled for 90 days within 24 hrs of her release from jail and I want to make sure that we have that lined up. I don't know if she realizes that she will violate her probation if she doesn't and she could go back to jail.

I found out some of the terms of her probation and I don't know how she is going to do it. The hardest thing is going to be the transportation, if there are buses that run she is going to be on or waiting for the bus for 6 hrs a day to get to the places she needs to be each day. I have a busy enough life and I don't know how this is going to fit in. I thought it was bad enough with 3 teenagers at home now it is like I just added another one... lol

She got out of jail at 12:40am this morning. At 8:30 this morning she was at my house waiting for the company to come out and disable her car. We had a few minutes to talk and she told me that most of the woman that were in the jail with her were people who violated their probabation because they could not afford to pay for all the things that the probation entails. Councelors approved by the court ($45-$75 a visit not covered by insurance, she has to go once a week for the next 3 months), drug testing ($20-$40 a pop, sometimes 4 times a week), disabling your car for 3 months ($90 service call +$37.50 a month for 3 months then another $90 for them to come out and take the club off of her stearing wheel), court costs, jail fees and more. Then she has a car payment and insurance, even though she cannot drive it and what about living expenses and the expense of having a child.

I think that the court system is set up for people to fail. And then we, the general public, pay for incarcerating the people who cannot afford to pay the fees. So they throw them in jail, which is over crowded and we pay for it. Who wins here ???

I can hope that she has changed. But from this morning I still saw the same girl, maybe a little more stressed about what she has to do. I told her straight, she is lucky that she has a guy who has stood by her thru all of this, who took care of many things while she was in jail. I said that she needs to trust and listen to what this man says because he only has her best interest at heart, and if she doesn't, she might lose him. Seriously, how many of you would have stood by this girl ?

I had two step sons that went thru similar things years ago.
All the hoops that had to be jumped thru were nearly imposible for a rich person with a
chaufer let alone a mere mortal.
Sometimes its easyer to just do the time and be done with it.

That's going to be tough. You're right, sounds like it's set up to make sure they fail. Do have her drop collision and liability insurance on her car while it's disabled. It will save her a few dollars. Good luck.

This maybe rough but the old saying "if you can't do the time don't do the crime" I've had 2 friends killed by drunk drivers so I'm not the most sympathetic person on here for a second offense. We all make mistakes, but we have to learn from them and not make it again, so a second offense needs to be hard and expensive since the first did not teach her.

My nephew is a driver for UPS and he got popped for a .09 and what he had to do for the state and for UPS was double what others had to do and it said it cost him over 15k after everything was over. UPS still surprise him with Radom testing years later.

I know I've changed my habits 25 years ago and told my kids that they were on their own if they get hit with a DUI and I will come and get the anytime anywhere if they are drinking.

I real hope your daughter take this seriously and listens to her friends and family as it sounds she has a good support system.

Ric, she is my daughter and I love her. But I do agree with you. She should not have been drinking and then get behind the wheel of a car. Besides the fact that she could have hurt other people, she has a daughter and could have hurt herself and maybe made her daughter an orphan.

I am glad that she has to go thru all of this, but in the same respect, I hate it because I can't let her be homeless because she has a child. I won't pay her bills but I will help her with child care and rides to and from work, school to pick up her daughter and her meetings. I will do this because I know that she isn't driving. She can't and won't because her car is parked in my driveway.....like I have room for my own cars. lol

I know, tough love is hard to do but it is the only power we have. I would do the same but as you but I don't let them know that as I want them to think real hard before they drink and drive. My oldest knows what I went through when my best friend was killed for just driving minding his own business leaving behind a wife and daughter.

When my son was younger I did go pick him and a friend after they were drinking at 2:00 a.m. from a friends home(they were 19) and it made me the very proud. I never even give them a lecture and made sure that they knew I was not mad.

We are parents forever and will always love them but they do make it hard sometimes.