Gary, you're acting like this is all happening to you. I feel for you man, and have an idea of what you're going through man, but you aren't the victim here. I'm not sure who really is. Partly, your wife thinks SHE is the victim, and partly she thinks her mother is the victim. Both of those things tick her off. She's already ticked off, before she even thinks about you. Anything you do, and I mean ANYTHING you do, that even remotely goes against her wishes. she will not tolerate. She already has all this crap to deal with and you're not supposed to add ANY. What she expects is for you to be self-sufficient, and to know what she needs from you without having to spell it out to you, or ask you for it. Don't talk to her about any of it. Don't ask her about it. If she wants to talk about it she will. Give her the feeling that you'll listen without reacting, and if she wants to talk she will. If she talks to you about it, just LISTEN. It is hard, trust me. I know. You don't like seeing her go through this.
Things aren't "normal" right now, so you shouldn't expect her to "act" normally. She won't respond the same way she does when she's generally happy with things....right? Divest yourself a little bit, like take a little distance, but don't go hide or anything. From now on, only be nice to your wife, like all the time, and know that it is for the greater good. Do it and be satisfied with being the only person that notices. It won't be like this forever. This will clear out or blow over somehow, and when the dust settles, she'll be able to elax some. Maybe sometime she'll have time to reflect on things, and she'll remember that you were cool to her. Do some things for her. Don't expect anything back for it either. Little things. Maybe expect her to still be riled up for a while, but know inside that you're doing the right thing. She'll see it eventually.
Don't let it bother you so much.
