Interesting or funny...you decide.

[carpoor]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[carpoor]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side



Now here are the rules from the male side



These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1.. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh....

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!

[carpoor]

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we
were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into
such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we
had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened."

[Ms Grumpy]

I am loving these. I have to pass them on. And keep 'em coming.

[Ms Grumpy]

I found this on Facebook tonight and I am still laughing. Hope you like it too.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

[72BLACKNWHITE]

A farmer has two old bulls and, feeling they’ve lost their exuberance, buys a young bull , a rather large bull. As the young bull begins industriously mounting one cow after another in the pasture. after done with each cow they would fall over with broken backs. one of the old bulls starts pawing the ground and snorting. “What’s the matter,” says the other. “You getting young ideas?” “No,” replies the first bull. “I don’t want that young fellow to think I’m one of the cows!”

[72BLACKNWHITE]

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red '68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but don't go too far 'cause it's low on Vaseline." Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.

Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she's prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can't do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. "Let's all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes."

Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, "I knocked, but no one answered. What's the deal?" Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. "May I have a beer?" he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.

Maybe it's his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. "I'd like to make love to your daughter," he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. "How about the other daughter?" he asks, and off they go. Soon he's proposing the same for the farmer's wife, and getting no response, he has his way again.

It's getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.

"All right, all right," says the farmer, "I'll do the damn dishes

[72BLACKNWHITE]

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

[Ms Grumpy]

Originally Posted by 72BLACKNWHITE

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

I don't know...but so true.... things that make you go hmmmmmm.

[Ms Grumpy]

Must read.... I borrowed this from a friends post..

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...